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I started dancing when I was two. Mum took me along to ballet class and I did tap, ballet and modern for about 10 years. I loved it. I didn’t experience competition until I was at primary school, and was quite shy and was never confident. But I loved sports day and the fact that you could win or lose – I enjoyed that element of competition. It was how I got more involved in athletics – it was black or white, no grey areas.

How do you deal with winning and losing?

Even when I win, I’m very critical of myself. It’s part of being of an athlete, you’re always looking to do better. I’ve always been prepared to fail, but we don’t really prepare athletes for success. At Rio in 2016, I became a double paralympic champion, I was a world record holder, it should have been the happiest time of my life. I felt relief that I’d actually done it, but didn’t enjoy it. It felt good for five minutes, but I then felt very unfulfilled. I’d always felt like a mentally very strong and resilient person, but was suddenly spiralling into having mental health issues. It completely took me by surprise. People think, when you’ve achieved something you’ve dreamt of your whole life, that you should be happy and grateful. I felt very isolated. I completely lost myself and it took 18 months for me to become even a shadow of myself again. Even now, I’m not the same person.

How did you enjoy Dancing on Ice?

For me, ice skating is ballet on ice. When I did Dancing on Ice it was so good for me. I was terrible – but had a new-found appreciation for dance. The ice dancers are incredible. You’ve got the logical structure of training and preparation, but you’ve also got the whole artistic and performance side. Since starting athletics I’d never gone back to dance, so it was awe-inspiring. Blind people don’t necessarily have good spatial awareness, and I’m no good at facial expressions, so I knew [professional ice dancer] Mark Hanretty was nervous about working with me. We had a really good conversation: I said, I’m an athlete, I’m very coachable. We absolutely clicked, I completely trusted him and I wasn’t going to let anything get in my way.

What difference has your guide dog, Hatti, made to you?

It took me a while to decide to get a guide dog. I was getting very bored with explaining to everybody that I couldn’t see very well and asking if they could help me. I hated using a cane. Hatti gives me confidence: that I can go anywhere and not be judged, because all people want to do is stroke her. Disability can be awkward for other people – having Hatti there makes people more comfortable and feel that they can ask me any questions they want. Hatti’s an amazing dog, she’s been there through a lot of ups and downs.

Why does dance matter to you?

Dance is an expression of yourself, it gives you a sense of freedom. I’m terrible at dancing – but I do like to have a little dance in the kitchen!

Why Dance Matters

Why Dance Matters is a new podcast from the RAD – a series of conversations with extraordinary people from the world of dance and beyond. We hope these insightful personal conversations – hosted by David Jays, editor of Dance Gazette – will delight and inspire you.

Our new season includes Carlos Acosta, American opera star Joyce DiDonato and RAD teacher Barbara Peters. Please listen and subscribe to Why Dance Matters.

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Read Libby’s book, My Life With Hatti: Six Years with a Dog Who Does Everything

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Dance Gazette Why Dance Matters Issue 3 - Feb 2022

REST OF Issue 3 - Feb 2022

When I moved to England, I started going into the underground hip-hop scene, but there weren’t a lot of girls. I felt I had a lot to prove, to show I wasn’t scared of no boys. I would be overly confident, very cocky and self-assured. It was all a façade, but the rumour started spreading about this girl that was rowdy and over the top, thinking she’s all that. I started to get self-conscious – but then I thought, I haven’t come all the way to another country to feel small, so I decided to take on the name as a badge of honour. You think I’m too rowdy? Yeah, I am rowdy, and you can’t tell me nothing!

You were born in Colombia but grew up in Sweden. What was your experience of school?

I went to a strict, elitist Swedish school. It was very old-fashioned – they were still beating kids, we had to curtsey to the teacher. Me and my brother were the only black kids in the whole school. This was not an era when neurodiversity was noticed. From an early age I struggled when it came to anything mathematic or science-based. I was told: you’re not working hard enough, make much more of an effort. I tried, I really tried. I excelled in anything creative. I couldn’t work out why I was struggling in maths.

How did you discover dyscalculia?

When I was 17, I happened to come across a news article about this girl who couldn’t see numbers the same way as normal people could. I thought, this girl is describing how I see the world. I’d never heard of ‘dyscalculia’ – but it was like a stone dropping from my chest. It took a while to convince my parents and school, but it completely changed my world.

When did dance come into your life?

Dance was always there. When I was three years old I was moving around the house. I loved watching dance videos and would practice by myself. It was natural to me. I’d been to a dance class where the teacher said, ‘You’re really terrible – you shouldn’t come back.’ He said that in front of all the students. Then I went to another dance class – and there was this tall Black man, in baggy clothing, playing music I’d heard on the radio, with the biggest smile. It was such a change. How could I not go back?

You’ve taught a lot, including on the RAD’s Step into Dance programme. Do you ever recognise your younger self among the young people you teach?

I would recognise myself in kids that would struggle, or were shy, or maybe aggressive because they felt embarrassed. And I would find a way to reach those kids on a level that they would find a safe space. You don’t know about their life at home – dance might be the only relief or safe space for them. So don’t ever turn away a kid or make them feel unwanted in the space. That is my main goal in teaching.

Why does dance matter to you?

Dance was the one guiding light through everything for me. If I didn’t have that, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I wouldn’t have found my voice. I wouldn’t have found a place where I can call myself a trailblazer for young kids. I would have just been a scared little kid, believing she was stupid. Dance really saved my life.

Why Dance Matters

Why Dance Matters is a new podcast from the RAD – a series of conversations with extraordinary people from the world of dance and beyond. We hope these insightful personal conversations – hosted by David Jays, editor of Dance Gazette – will delight and inspire you.

Other guests in our new season include the star dancers James Whiteside and Leanne Benjamin, choreographer Ashley Page, the Paralympian athlete Libby Clegg, Hannah Martin who won a bronze medal in The Fonteyn this year and RAD Artistic Director Gerald Charles. Please listen and subscribe to Why Dance Matters.

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Dance Gazette Why Dance Matters Issue 2 – Oct 2021

REST OF Issue 2 – Oct 2021

How did ballet first get its hooks into you?

That would be my sister’s fault! I was into everything sporty. But one day – I was eight years old, I think – I saw my sister Demelza dancing and turned to my mum and said, why is Melzie on stage and I’m sat watching her? It looks fun. Little did I know! Literally the next Monday I went to ballet classes with my sister. On that very day there was an audition – Hull New Theatre was doing The Pickwick Papers with Sir Harry Secombe, and they were looking for kids to be extras. I was cast as a street urchin. I was actually a shy kid. I had a stutter, I couldn’t get the words out, it was awful. I was terrified of performing. But there was a freedom about performing, not with words but with physicality.

When did you first experience the RAD syllabus?

The RAD holds a special place in my heart – it’s a wonderful thing. White Lodge [home of the Royal Ballet School] was very intense, but on Saturday afternoons we had Frank Freeman for RAD classes. He was a marvellous teacher. It was very different to what we were used to. He was much more relaxed with us, and gave us great freedom to express ourselves within the combinations. I wasn’t one of the strongest dancers in my year by a long shot, but Frank always encouraged me – he let me dance and be free.

Xander Parish at the Mariinsky Theatre. Photo: Darian Volkova

Things weren’t working out at the Royal Ballet – how did you end up in St Petersburg?

I was frustrated beyond belief with the walk-on roles I was doing. It was really draining. I put in a lot of extra hours trying to improve and get noticed, but nothing was happening. Then a young Russian ballet master turned up – he was inspirational, gave a really energetic and exciting class. On his last day, I thanked him, and said, before you go, can I show you a few more jumps? I had a half an hour masterclass with this guy, it was really inspiring. Six months later that same man, Yuri Fateyev, became director of the Mariinsky Ballet, and gave a friend of mine a message: tell Xander to come to Russia and dance here.

What did he see in you?

I’ll tell you – because I asked him! I was like, why me? He said, I didn’t offer you the job because you were the best dancer around – but because you wanted it. I could see you were hungry to learn. He liked my attitude, as simple as that.

What would you say to a young dancer in the same situation you were in, feeling they have more to give?

Never give up. Dance for yourself, enjoy what you do. If you have a hunger to learn and grow and conquer your art, you will. Just don’t give up. Sometimes the chances will find you. If you’re working hard and doing your best, believe that it will work out for your good.

And why does dance matter to you?

Dance matters to me because it’s an expression of the heart. Dance can’t be separated from the person doing it. Sometimes you’ll come across teachers or choreographers who think ballet is just a physical thing, to be beaten into a student to do exactly as they say. But I disagree. Ballet is an expression of the person doing it, and has to be interpreted through the filter of the person who’s feeling and performing it. I dance, not just to execute the steps as they were created 100 years ago – I respect that, but every dancer is a different living, breathing organism of individuality. It’s an expression of who I am.

Why Dance Matters

Why Dance Matters is a new podcast from the RAD – a series of conversations with extraordinary people from the world of dance and beyond. We hope these insightful personal conversations – hosted by David Jays, editor of Dance Gazette – will delight and inspire you.

Other guests in this first season include the film director Gurinder Chadha, choreographer Cathy Marston, ballerina Céline Gittens, doctor Guddi Singh, activist Phil Chan, RAD teacher Victoria Trevino and Luke Rittner, the RAD’s Chief Executive. Please listen and subscribe to Why Dance Matters.

LISTEN The full interview with Xander Parish on Why Dance Matters

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Dance Gazette Why Dance Matters Issue 1 – June 2021

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